What I set out to create with this blog was something MUCH bigger than what it has become. With the second miscarriage, my wife’s surgery, and just life in general, this has had to take a backseat to everything – and for that, I’m sorry.

I know not many people read this, and I’m okay with that.  But I’m hoping that you found something here – even if it was a link to a different resource.  If one person clicked on Kelly Farley’s Grieving Dads Project and was able to get the help he (or she) needed – then this was worth every second of my time (what time I was able to devote to it).

I’m not done for ever – just done for now.

I love you all.

I need to begin etching peace into my own life.

-Justin

Deuteronomy 31:8

Both miscarriages my wife and I have experienced were around the 10-12 week mark.  Too soon to know the sex of the baby.  Too soon to see the face.  Too soon to have a name…

I think what hurts more, for me, wasn’t the physical loss.  Don’t get me wrong – that, in and of itself, was extremely devastating.  What kills me the most are the lost memories, the vanishing dreams, the “first Christmas,” birthdays…

It’s all gone for now.

I try to remain hopeful, but it’s extremely hard at times.

Keep your head up – I’m trying to.

I love you all.

This has been something I’ve wanted to write about for a while now – even before Etching Peace was even thought of.

Quotes. One-liners. Tag lines. Phrases.  They’re everywhere.

Since becoming more actively involved in the miscarriage community, I’ve heard quite a few.

The response of a young woman being told that she does have the ability to try again and have another baby: “I don’t want another baby.  I want the one baby I can not have.”

The song “Heart Song” by KB and Jasmine Le’Shea.  I know the song talks of a different subject, but there’s one line in that song that sticks with me as someone that tries to have faith in Christ: “All these years of loving Him, and this is what I get?!”

And my beautiful wife, sitting on the couch next to me: “How do you sit in a room full of people and feel completely alone?”

The loss of a child leaves one feeling completely empty and alone. The weight of the burden is more than any one person stands to be able to carry on their own.

I am less than one week off of finding out about our recent loss.  It hurts.  It really does.

But now, more than ever, I’m here to tell you that you are not alone.

My heart goes out to everyone that has experienced this.  I love you all.

-Justin

While this loss has been devastating, much the same as the first one was (I don’t think that will ever change), the main thing that is killing me right now is disappointment.

Having to tell my mother that I can’t give her a grandchild yet.  Telling my father that it didn’t happen, yet once again.  Telling our friends…

…having to write this…having to try to smile at work…

I do, however, remember feeling this way the first time around, but the shock and emotional pain of the miscarriage screamed louder than anything else though.

But, if there is an up-side to this, it’s this:  I’ve learned that I am not alone, and I am keeping that in my mind now.  I know where to go to for help – even writing this has honestly helped me.

I love you all.

-Justin

I originally created Etching Peace because I wanted to be able to share my story and allow others to share theirs – in hopes that it will bring a realization that you are, in fact, truly not alone.

A few weeks ago, we found out that my wife was pregnant once again.

Of course, we were on pins and needles.  Extremely happy, but a nervous wreck at the same time.
I couldn’t help but have that “look over my shoulder” mentality (if that makes sense).

Well, long story short: We found out yesterday that this baby wouldn’t make it either – miscarriage #2.

It’s painful.  I feel empty inside.  Everything was going perfect…and here we are again.

In the short while Etching Peace has been active, I thank you for all your support.  You mean the world to me.  THANK YOU.

I’ll be back with a new story (unfortunately).

-Justin